unemployment suicide

dear unemployment, there’s no easy way to say this, so here it goes: although we’ve just spent a wonderful year together, i feel we need to go our own ways now. i’ve found a job. it actually should be no surprise to you that i’ve been looking for one for a while now. you were jealous and i denied it, but it was true. yeah, sure, he may not be as much fun as you, but he fills some greater needs that you just can’t. plus i actually like him a lot; i know he can make me happy in ways you would have never been able to. i do want you to understand that i value the time we’ve been together above anything. you’ve taught me so much about life and i feel i’ve grown so much since we met. and of course, we had some amazing times together and i wouldn’t take it back for anything in this world, but we’ve just grown apart, ya know? look, unnie, you don’t have to get all dramatic about this, ok? i’m sure there are plenty of other fishes in the sea for you to get together with, it’s just that what we had is now over and i need you to move on as i have. no, wait! wh... what are you doing??? what is that? drop that right now! please don’t do that! listen, i was just joking, ok? this was just a silly late april fool’s joke. i’ll do whatever you want, but, please, just don’t do it! no, unnie! nooooooo...